Dubbel Mono

dinsdag, maart 19, 2002

 
Hessian Karaoke
Vooruit, nog eentje dan. Ook van Buddyhead. Uit een interview in een karaoke-bar:

Buddyhead: So first tell us your name, age, and what you do…
Hessian: My name is Justin Randal and I am twenty nine years old and I live to GET CRAZY! You know, live fucking fast - die fucking young. What do I do?
Buddyhead: Yeah.
Hessian: Well I listen to Slayer’s “South of Heaven” a lot. I watch a lot of porn movies. None of that gay shit though. I’m totally straight dude.
Buddyhead: Uh-huh, I see...
Hessian: I listen to a lot of Metallica too. Well, their older stuff at least! Their new shit is straight sellout pussy music. And I don’t listen to pussy sellouts. But I still like the old shit. Zeppelin and Pantera are pretty cool also. I haven't heard any of their new stuff, but the old shit is fucking awesome. I know how to play “By Demons Be Driven” on bass, as well as just about every other Pantera song that they ever wrote.
Buddyhead: What about karaoke?
Hessian: Fuck yea! I’m a professional karaoke singer.
Buddyhead: Professional? How does that work?
Hessian: Fuck yeah. I come out here, and I show these posers how it’s done. You see that old fuck over there who karaoke’d to Barry Manilow?
Buddyhead: The bald guy?
Hessian: Yeah, that fuck. I schooled that pussy with “paradise city”. Sometimes I just gotta show everybody that this is my fuckin karaoke bar. I’m the king around here. I call the shots. Sometimes out of towners come here to “have a good time and be silly”, and I have to explain to them with a little “talk dirty to me” and a few hairwhips that this isn’t about being silly. This is for real.
Buddyhead: Right, but when you say “professional” we would assume that meant you were able to make a living off this...
Hessian: I can you fag. These people all tip me cuz I am the master. I also take a lot of requests from people and do any fuckin song that they ask.
Buddyhead: Sounds like you’re a sellout.
Hessian: Not a sellout. A fuckin performer. I should be takin my shit to Vegas, but instead I’m keeping it real.



Buddyhead: What’s the worst song you’ve ever had to obey a request for?
Hessian: One time this fat bitch wanted to hear some Lionel Ritchie. I told her I’d do it for a fiver ($5) and the chance to rub my face in those big-o-titties of hers.
Buddyhead: Sounds like quite a lucrative business you got going here buddy.
Hessian: Well, I wouldn’t be able to make ends meet if it weren’t for my parents.
Buddyhead: What do you mean? Your parents gave you a job?
Hessian: No, they agreed to let me stay in garage as long as I keep my music down and mow the lawn twice a week. They go on vaction a lot too, and I hold some crazy fuckin’ ragers. But fuck it, I’m still free. I’m not like all my friends who are tied down to the man. I’m without a fuckin job!
Buddyhead: Why don’t you try and get a job here... at the bar?
Hessian: I tried. They said i’d have to cut my hair, and that’s just flat out, 100%, grade A, pussy, faggot shit. This is all just temporary anyway until this band takes off.
Buddyhead: Haha, you’re in a band?
Hessian: Yea, we’re called “Demonic Serpent’s Immaculate Defecation”. We’re pretty fucking crazy.
Buddyhead: I’m sure it is. What’s your sound like?
Hessian: Fucking metal and hard. We’re like a cross between Ozzy, Randy Rhodes era of course, Metallica during the Kill Em All years, maybe a little bit of the Scrops in there, Iron Madien, and definitely some Judas Fucking Priest. We opened for Madien on their last tour when they played here.
Buddyhead: Wow, the whole tour?
Hessian: Nah, just the show here.
Buddyhead: I think you’re lying to me.
[The piano intro from Motley Crue’s “Home Sweet Home” blares over the speakers]
Hessian: Shit I gotta go, this is my song….
|| 1:46 p.m.